I haven’t felt this shitty in a long time. I haven’t been taking my antidepressants for months. I dont know if thats a good decision or not. I feel like a different, artificial version of myself with them so I stopped. Without you, I feel empty and worthless and unnecessary but with you, I felt the same. You always told me how I was never what I used to be. How you always wished I would treat you better. I left because I felt like I wasnt any longer capable of giving you what you needed. When I left you last year, it was because I had lost interest and because I was afraid of causing you to do something hurtful to yourself. Its harder to do what im doing now. I still miss you more than anything, but I’ve felt pretty close to what Rockbottom can be in a relationship with you. You say it will never be that again. I can’t believe you… I cant take that chance again because I cant afford to go through that mentally, emotionally or financially. I can’t even afford to postpone my second shoulder surgery until the winter so I can have a halfway decent Summer. It kills me that you can rebound as fast as you did…whether it felt right or not… you and your natural good looks and charm and talent attract lots of guys that are probably exponentially better people than I… I can’t do that. Id like to know what its like to hug and cuddle with another girl. To kiss one. To put a heart by their name in my phone. Whether it felt right or not. I want to know what it feels like. But im too busy texting you and walking my dog, crying, at 11:30pm. Ive been thinking about suicide a lot again. Nothing is looking up. My love life is more twisted than shit and I cant get the job ive been trying to get because of my surgery and Im going to have a second consecutive handicapped summer/bandcamp. Im sick of living like this and I kust wish everything would go back to normal. Im not sure what that is. Im not sure ive felt normal for a long time.